I fall deep

I’m the kind of person that, whenever I invest in a person, I completely invest in that person.  My emotions function like a switch—it’s either on or off, there’s no in between.  It makes dating hard because it’s a fucking roller coaster and I’m never satisfied.

I imagine most relationships work as a steady incline.  You meet, have no investment, and then it gradually grows over time, maybe eventually plateauing or just continuing on forever, I don’t know.  Mine works more like a sine wave, continuously oscillating between 0 and 100.

Right now, I’m at the top of the curve, where I’m craving the person I’m dating, Alex.  It takes every ounce of willpower to give her space and not pounce on her every time I see her.  It’s especially hard with her because she’s an executive chef at a new restaurant, so she works 16-hour days most of the week and never has a day off, so usually we only see each other for a few hours in the late evening when she’s super tired.  She’s the first person I ever dated who works more hours than I do, so it’s a difficult adjustment.  I’m used to the other person dropping everything to be with me every time I get lonely and giving me constant attention and affection.  I realize that I can’t expect that from any real person, and I just got lucky that so many were willing to give that to me.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been lacking motivation at work over the past few weeks, so I’ve spent a lot of mental energy over-analyzing our relationship.  Last week, we almost broke up and I told her it would be best for us to take a break until things slowed down at work for her.  As soon as she agreed to it, something shifted inside of me and I felt the overwhelming urge to never ever let her go no matter what.  I immediately made plans with her for the following night.  That night, told her that I was willing to make things work no matter what, and that I wanted to continue seeing her, however sparingly that would have to be.

All weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I’ve been trying so hard to not smother her with texts.  I felt as though my body was physically aching for her, which honestly is so dramatic because we’ve only been dating for a little over a month.  But also, how can I not invest everything in a person that’s basically auditioning to be my life partner?  I don’t do casual, and there’s just no in-between.

I don’t want to move fast with a significant other.  I would prefer to move slow to let something meaningful develop, but at the same time, I want that end goal of a deep romantic relationship with someone that I don’t want to wait for it.  I try to act all chill and non-committed on the outside, but on the inside I’m planning our wedding and rehearsing how I’m going to introduce her to my grandma.  I’m thinking about what cities we can move to where we’ll both be able to find jobs and build a life together.  I’m providing emotional support 24/7, offering to bring her anything she needs, while also responding with “eh, no pressure, whatever works is fine,” anytime she tells me she wants to see me.  It’s exhausting how much I get consumed by the person I’m dating.  And I can never let them know because that’s admitting weakness.  That’s giving the power to them, and I will NEVER give up power.

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2 Responses to I fall deep

  1. After reading this, I’ve had a few questions pop up in my mind about your situation. They’re just food for thought. What if she feels the same way about you? If she told you that she feels the same way, would that change your thoughts on telling her how you feel? Is there any other way of placing trust in her without feeling like you’re making yourself vulnerable? Is she worth the risk of vulnerability? How would you be able to tell if she is?

    I don’t know if the answers might help you sort things out. If they do, great. If not, they can be easily dismissed as irrelevant. Relationships are hard work, and they can be messy. But they can also be beautiful. I hope you’re able to reap more of the latter.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Iris says:

      I’ve thought a lot about what you’ve said. They’re definitely not easy questions to answer, but thinking about them has been helpful for figuring out what I’m struggling with. I tend to try to err on the side of being too vulnerable because in the past I was guarded all the time, and it just left me feeling sad and empty. And really, if I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable with someone, I shouldn’t be dating that person. It’s just hard balancing things when it’s still a very new relationship, so I’ll have to be mindful of that. Thank you so much for the thoughtful comments. Your input is always greatly appreciated.


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