It always creeps up on me. I’ll be in a nice routine of forcing myself to stay up late and wake up early to break the cycle, and it’ll feel great. Getting out of bed will of course be hard because it will never not be hard, but once I’m up, I feel good about the day and I have at least a teeny bit of energy to work with.
Then, one day, for whatever reason, I won’t want to face the day, so I’ll sleep in a little later to put off the day for as long as possible. Even if I’m not sleeping, I’ll just lay there.
The next morning, I’ll remember how great that fleeting moment felt between the regular alarm and the late alarm, so I’ll do it again. Maybe I’ll even go a little later.
Then, I’ll start going to bed earlier. As soon as I get home from work, I’ll shut myself in my room and lay in bed, so naturally I’ll start to fall asleep.
It gets to the point where I’m going to sleep at 9pm and waking up at 8am the next day. It gets to the point where I’m laying in bed at 7:30pm wishing I could just fall asleep right then so I can be done with the day.
And it affects the rest of my day, as well. All day I’m tired and groggy and just waiting for the next sleep to start. And when equal parts of my day are spent dreaming as not-dreaming, it becomes harder to remember what was a dream and what was real, so I start subtly losing touch with reality.
That’s what’s happening now. I can’t remember if I reserved time for an instrument or I just dreamed I did. I tell people things twice or not at all because I don’t know if I actually told them the first time. I have to double check important things to make sure I did them. It’s not quite as extreme as I’m making it sound, but it’s enough to where I prefer to correspond with people via text and email so that at least I have a written record I can check later.
And I’m not too worried about it because nothing seems to matter. I’m going through the motions, and nothing I do seems to affect anything else, so reality feels very dreamlike.
It’s very good timing that I’m leaving on Sunday for my two-week trip to Maine. Having a change of scenery, a change of schedule, something I’m working towards, and mornings and evenings to myself sounds like the perfect reset that I need.
Oh, and a quick update from yesterday—I’m going to dinner with that guy tonight. I don’t even want to go anymore because the loneliness has shifted to apathy, but I can’t cancel on him last-minute like this because I already did that to him once before. I feel equal parts bored and disgusted with myself, but hopefully something positive can come from it for both our sakes. I have more to say about this after marinating on it overnight, but I’m going to wait until after our date so that I can have some fully-developed thoughts about the situation.