Being an introvert isn’t an excuse

I’ve been pretty mopey in a lot of my recent posts because I’ve been left out of things and have been feeling lonely and unwanted. It seemed like people were being especially cold to me, and I didn’t understand why.

At the same time, I’ve been neglecting most social obligations, with the excuse that I just didn’t feel like being around people. This excuse is dangerous because honestly, I almost never feel like being around people. People tend to be understanding, but it has to be annoying hearing that. “Sorry I can’t come because I just don’t want to be around you right now.”

It’s been an easy justification for not going to things, but, as a result, it’s become harder and harder to actually show up to anything. Because of this, I’m helping myself fall out of the loop, and it’s contributing to my loneliness.

On Saturday, I received a text from my roommate, Tonya, asking if I wanted to go get beers with her and Mary. My instinct was to respond with a “no, I’m too tired, but you guys have fun!” Instead, I forced myself to go, and we met up with a bunch of other people and, because it’s never just one thing, we went to a party at someone I don’t know’s house afterwards.

None of it was fun. I spent 2 hours listening to everyone talk about their soccer teams, and then I spent another 2 hours playing endless games of flip cup that were just tedious for everyone involved.

I’m glad I showed up, though. I didn’t spend the night wondering if everyone was having fun without me, and it was just as okay of a way to kill time as watching reruns of Portlandia for the fourth time.

I need to keep forcing myself to do this so that I can stay and touch and keep some sort of social life. If I keep saying no to things because I don’t feel like it, I’ll never feel like it and I’ll never go and I’ll just keep feeling lonely and bored with my life.

I also need to take some responsibility for what’s happening in my social life. I get all mopey, saying people are being mean when I’m not included, but I don’t put any effort into things. I wait for a personal invite from people, and I never invite anyone to do things with me. If I am being excluded from things, maybe it’s because I come across as cold to other people and that’s why they don’t want me there.

I decided I’m going to try to go back to how I was first year of grad school, where I just pretended to be extroverted. I won’t do it to the extent that I did back then because it was exhausting, but I’ll do it just enough to be a good friend and to keep myself from feeling so sad all the time. Hopefully it won’t be as hard as it’s sounding right now…

This entry was posted in My life, Quickies (Less than 500 words), relationships, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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