I’ve been pretty mopey in a lot of my recent posts because I’ve been left out of things and have been feeling lonely and unwanted. It seemed like people were being especially cold to me, and I didn’t understand why.
At the same time, I’ve been neglecting most social obligations, with the excuse that I just didn’t feel like being around people. This excuse is dangerous because honestly, I almost never feel like being around people. People tend to be understanding, but it has to be annoying hearing that. “Sorry I can’t come because I just don’t want to be around you right now.”
It’s been an easy justification for not going to things, but, as a result, it’s become harder and harder to actually show up to anything. Because of this, I’m helping myself fall out of the loop, and it’s contributing to my loneliness.
On Saturday, I received a text from my roommate, Tonya, asking if I wanted to go get beers with her and Mary. My instinct was to respond with a “no, I’m too tired, but you guys have fun!” Instead, I forced myself to go, and we met up with a bunch of other people and, because it’s never just one thing, we went to a party at someone I don’t know’s house afterwards.
None of it was fun. I spent 2 hours listening to everyone talk about their soccer teams, and then I spent another 2 hours playing endless games of flip cup that were just tedious for everyone involved.
I’m glad I showed up, though. I didn’t spend the night wondering if everyone was having fun without me, and it was just as okay of a way to kill time as watching reruns of Portlandia for the fourth time.
I need to keep forcing myself to do this so that I can stay and touch and keep some sort of social life. If I keep saying no to things because I don’t feel like it, I’ll never feel like it and I’ll never go and I’ll just keep feeling lonely and bored with my life.
I also need to take some responsibility for what’s happening in my social life. I get all mopey, saying people are being mean when I’m not included, but I don’t put any effort into things. I wait for a personal invite from people, and I never invite anyone to do things with me. If I am being excluded from things, maybe it’s because I come across as cold to other people and that’s why they don’t want me there.
I decided I’m going to try to go back to how I was first year of grad school, where I just pretended to be extroverted. I won’t do it to the extent that I did back then because it was exhausting, but I’ll do it just enough to be a good friend and to keep myself from feeling so sad all the time. Hopefully it won’t be as hard as it’s sounding right now…