So it’s been a while. I have a habit of dropping out of society and hiding away when I get stressed or just sad, and that’s what happened this time. I’ve been visiting grad schools and there are some personal things going on within my family, which are giving me a lot of stress.
I’m worried about my future. That’s what this all comes down to. Before, I was worried that I wouldn’t get in to graduate school. I was worried I wasn’t good enough, and that I had already peaked. Now I’m wondering if I’m making the right decision by going. All my life, I had been a writer. My chemistry major was just a fallback because there isn’t much money in writing. I definitely enjoyed chemistry; it was my second-favorite subject in school. Still, it wasn’t my passion. Writing is my passion.
I love to learn, as cheesy as that sounds. This is what drives me to do research. I like the idea of discovery more about the world around us. It is why I made the decision to go to graduate school. I’ve come to realize that whatever my job is, even if I’m only doing it for the money to pursue other passions, will be my life. As long as I’m a research scientist or professor, writing poems will just be a hobby.
Maybe I can be content with that. Like I said, I do enjoy doing chemistry. Maybe it’ll just leave me feeling empty inside. Is it realistic for me to hope to pursue both equally if chemistry is going to take up all of my time and intellectual energy?
My personal fantasy about my future is becoming a tenured professor at a university in a desert, living simply and working hard doing awesome, valuable research that benefits humanity in a beautiful way. Eventually, I’ll make a huge contribution to science, and so my purpose will be fulfilled. I will have saved enough money to drop out of society at this point and become a vagabond poet traveling the world and discovering the true meaning of life. In nine years, someone will go through great lengths to contact me to tell me that I won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry, and this person will persuade me to rejoin society just long enough to accept the award. Reluctantly, and with the encouragement of several monks I had been meditating with, I’ll return to society, and I’ll give an inspiring speech about how humanity must join together and we are all one and God is here on Earth within our beings. As I’m speaking, I will be all choked up and sobbing because of how happy I am in that moment. It will move everyone in the audience, and the speech will be shared all over the world and people will print it out and hang it on their walls as daily inspiration. I will then humbly decline my award because I could not individually take credit for my discoveries because, as I had said in my speech, we are all one, and so it is all of us that deserves this award, and I will say that I must again leave society and continue my studies in India. They will beg me to stay and do more research. They will offer me my own, state-of-the-art lab, as well as unlimited funding. They’ll ask me to give motivational speeches at every institution. They’ll ask me to take over and reform the FDA. All of this I will decline because I will have realized my true purpose, and I have only just begun to understand this beautifully chaotic world. I will die somewhere secluded, and no one will ever find my body, but my words will live on to inspire future generations to enact change and unify together in a world of love, understanding, and peace.
This is my dream for my life. I know this is very cheesy, and very unlikely to happen, but it’s what I’m going to shoot for, and you never know. Maybe one day I’ll get there. Otherwise, last night I had a dream that I was making out with Bill Murray, and that works, too.