I feel like writing today, but I’m not really sure what to write about. It’s not that I’m out of topics because I have a sticky note with at least 30 mildly interesting topics. I guess it’s just that none of them are really jumping out at me right now. It’s probably because I don’t feel like doing research or thinking introspectively at the moment.
Or it’s that I need to communicate and I don’t know how.
I invited my partner over for dinner last night, and we both sat on the couch, making minimal, forced small talk. I wanted to talk, but I didn’t have anything to say that could just be said. Earlier that day, I walked a friend all the way to the opposite side of campus to her class just so that I could be around someone. It was as though there was something on the tip of my tongue, and if I could just get it out, the feeling would dissolve. However, both encounters just made me feel lonelier and even more at a loss for words.
I was working on a lab report all day Sunday. I was at a point where all I had left to do was put in my references when a dialogue box popped up saying that Microsoft encountered an unexpected problem and had to close. It closed without saving my document, and it wasn’t auto-recovered when I re-opened Word. I had lost the last three hours of work. I stared at the screen for a few minutes, and then started crying. Once I started crying, I couldn’t stop. Playing my Happy playlist on Spotify didn’t help. Thinking positive thoughts didn’t help. Closing my eyes and chanting motivational mantras didn’t help. My partner slid a letter under my door, and I didn’t even want to read it. I just left it unopened on the floor. I sat there and cried until I used up all of my tears, and then I sulked the rest of the evening. I was too sad to even go to sleep.
I’m not convinced it was about the lab report. While the lost information had taken me 3 hours to type, most of that was just figuring out what to say, and so retyping it only took about 45 minutes. I don’t know what caused the sadness, but it has been lingering ever since. I guess it’s just my depression worsening again, but I thought I was doing better.
Right now, my life is going perfectly in the best way I could have imagined it, but it still feels like it is falling apart. I guess that’s what I wanted to say.
I noticed a quite a few other people on WordPress also have had depression sneak up on them in the past few days. If anyone reading this needs support or just wants to talk about it, I am here, and I’ll be checking my inbox religiously. Let’s work through this together.