I’m a Liar

I’m a liar. I’m not sure if I’m considered a pathological liar, but I lie way more than any person has any excuse to, unless said person is a serial killer that doesn’t want to get caught. Then it’s totally understandable, I guess.

But I’m not a serial killer, and I really don’t have that much to hide except for the normal things people like to hide from each other. I’m not an especially bad person, I don’t like to manipulate people, and I am absolutely not a sociopath. I don’t know why I lie, but it’s a habit, and let me be the first to tell you that it is addictive.

Here are a few examples of the dumb things I lie about:

My social life (or lack thereof). My birthday was a few months ago, and I didn’t do anything at all for it. I told everyone who asked that I was going out to the bars with a group of friends, and we were going to party it up. Even when my actual friends asked me what I was doing, I told them I was going with a different group of friends. It was a sad birthday, but the saddest part wasn’t that I had no one to hang out with, but that I was so insecure about people knowing that I didn’t have plans for my birthday that I fabricated a whole story that made it sound like I had plans but prevented me from having real plans.

Since I spend more time with books or TV than people, I’ll often tell people about stories that I say happened to my friends but really just happed to fictional people in their fictional worlds.

Sometimes I drunk text people while being stone-cold sober so that they’ll think that I’m having a fun time partying and what not. 

Personal hygeine and overall cleanliness. Some taglines of mine:

“Oh, I have to wash my sheets at least once a week. Otherwise I feel ewy.”

“Oh, that pan? I definitely washed it. I absolutely wash all my pans after every single use and don’t let the egg residue build up for an entire week before giving it a quick scrub with a month-old sponge.”

“Oh, that toothbrush? Nah, that’s an old one I forgot to throw out. I replace my toothbrush every season like the package suggests.”

“Yeah, I can’t sleep right without brushing my teeth in the evening either.”

“Whoops, I meant to throw that shirt in the dirty clothes hamper. Of course I wash my clothes after every time I wear them. Even pants, which totally do get dirty.”

Academic Motivation. This varies depending on the person. Sometimes I say I never stop studying, sometimes I hardly ever study and that I’m just naturally smart. Sometimes I’m a dumb-dumb that can’t figure anything out, sometimes I’m a secret prodigy that understands the mathematical equations behind event horizons in black holes. Sometimes I don’t even care about school at all and I’m just in it for the funsies.  [Note: I absolutely never lie/cheat when it comes to academics themselves (i.e. exams, papers, research, resumes).  I do try to maintain some level of ethics.)

Mental health. I don’t tell anyone that I have anxiety and that I’m taking stuff for it. I also don’t tell anyone about my depression. I accidentally told my best friend once late at night when I was feeling especially emotional, but then told him soon after that it must have just been a phase because I was completely cured and felt happy again. I tell people that I don’t think about suicide on a regular basis and that I love life and things are going great and really, I’m okay, please stop asking because I hate when you ask me how I’m doing, and that I’m not hoping that one day someone will keep pressing me about how I’m doing with enough force to knock down the walls that I’ve constructed and finally make me talk about it.

My fantastic/creepy memory. I have an exceptionally good memory. I’m pretty sure it comes from eating blueberries because I eat A LOT of blueberries. It’s great for school and such, but it’s not selective like that. It remembers everything. I remember everyone I meet and have even the smallest exchange with. I remember people who were in my general chemistry class that was in a 150-person lecture hall four years ago and sat on the other side of the room from me and I never spoke to once. I remember that finance major in a plain white T-shirt that I danced with drunkenly at a frat party freshman year. I remember the name, occupation, and current location of some guy I’ve never met nor seen that my partner mentioned to me three months ago in a story that took place 5 years ago. I remember EVERYTHING. Naturally, this creeps people out and makes me seem like a psychopathic stalker, and so I lie a lot about knowing things and remembering things just to make myself seem less terrifying. Also, I am a bit of an expert Facebook stalker, so I have to lie about that, too.

My obscene amount of free time. I always say that I have zero free time, or that I only have a small chunk of time, no more than two hours, to do things. I guess it’s so that I seem busy or popular or exclusive, but I always do this. It’s a horrible inconvenience for other people, especially people who actually have no time, but it’s what I do.

This rap sheet is actually one of the reasons why I started this blog. It’s refreshing to have somewhere where I can really be honest and completely me all of the time without repercussions. I’m fairly anonymous, so I can come out about my sexuality, religion, things that truly worry me or make me angry, or just things that I really do care about. It’s a safe place for me to keep in touch with myself, kind of like that place we go to in our minds when we meditate. With that being said, everything I write on this blog is 100% true and honest, with the exception of people’s names, in case you were worried that this whole blog’s contents were just another fabrication of my imagination.

However, blogging is not enough. There are a lot of dangers associated with being a liar, both to myself and to people close to me. I’ll address these in my next post, with the hope that writing about them will help give me the motivation I need to change my ways.

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2 Responses to I’m a Liar

  1. Thank you for sharing this. For a long time I lied about many of these same issues, and while it’s gotten better since I’ve taken steps to address my depression, anxiety and alcoholism, it’s still too easy for me to slip into lies about many of the same issues. I think the temporary protection of a lie makes me feel safe in the moment because it lets me avoid confrontation or negative judgements from others, but eventually when they catch up to me it only exacerbates the problem. I need to continue to work on being honest and forthright about how I’m feeling, and it’s definitely a struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Iris says:

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one struggling with this. You’re absolutely right–each small lie seems insignificant so it seems worth it for the temporary safety it offers, but over time, for me at least, it has turned into an addiction. Lying has become a sort of crutch for me to support myself on so that I don’t get hurt or exposed. I’m also going to try to be more honest and vulnerable with people, especially those close to me. I’m happy to hear things are getting better for you =)

      Like

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