Sloths Make Everything Better

**This is long, angry rant with a little profanity**

So I’ve been away for a while. I can tell because WordPress looks really different now, and it’s weird. I’m not sure if I have been missed or whether or not my absence warrants an explanation, but I’m going to give one anyway only because it’s going to turn into a long-winded angry rant, which is exactly what I need to partake in right now.

The last you’ve heard of me was right after Thanksgiving break, when I imparted on you some of my goals for the end of the semester/year. I had planned to publish another post on the following Monday that would be a sequel to my post on oversleeping. However, my computer was at 4% battery life. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but when I went to plug it in, nothing happened. After some unplugging and replugging, frantically scrolling through online help forums, scrubbing the connections with my toothbrush, and restarting my computer, I noticed THIS:

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Apparently, when pretentious know-it-alls tell you not to wrap your charger around itself because it will wear out the cord, they aren’t just being pretentious know-it-alls, but are actually warning you about a serious problem that could arise.

So, with only 3% battery life and counting (it takes a lot of juice just to restart the damn thing), I rushed to email myself all of my grad school application essays so that they wouldn’t be lost. I then quickly turned it off so that I could save whatever precious battery life I had left. I realized later that I had neglected to email myself the post I had written.

You’d think, oh, no problem. I’ve got a pretty good memory—I can just rewrite it. Or write another one. Nope. I can’t write on those library computers for the life of me. Not only do I get stage fright with creative writing in public, with eyes looking upon me, but I always manage to sit next to someone who has a sniffle, a cough, a very important phone call that they must sit right there in the quiet section of the library to take, a friend they haven’t seen since they were three walk by that they have to catch up on all of their past life events with, or a phone that cannot be put to silent and must be placed on a hard surface and they are so popular that I hear NNNNRRRRRRGGGGGG every four minutes. Also, the keyboards are weird and the keys are really sticky so it takes so much effort just to type. I’ve been spoiled with my flat, compliant keys on my computer.

Hence, I haven’t been able to write anything aside from dry academic stuff that doesn’t require my creative juices to flow. Now, this is a problem, as you can understand, but chargers are so expensive ($50-$90 being entirely normal). Also, I needed Free 2-day shipping eligible so that I could get it as soon as possible. I managed to find an off-brand one for $20, which I thought was very lucky.

I ordered it on Tuesday, December 2nd. I checked “FREE 2-day shipping.” I paid for it. I received the confirmation email. The expected delivery date on the email? WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 10TH. On the same exact email, it said Free 2-day shipping. Can someone please tell me how the fuck December 10th is 2 days from December 2nd? Now, I can understand that the holidays are a busy time for Website,* but it is a big company. It can handle it. I know for certain that it can because you’re talking to the gal that ordered every single one of her Christmas presents last year on Website Free 2-day shipping three days before Christmas, and they all came on Christmas Eve. Even if something terrible happened, and Website can no longer handle the massive quanitity of orders, it could at least have the dignity to give it to me straight. Don’t lie and say it’s 2-day shipping when it’s Standard 5-7 day shipping.

Now is when you’re probably wondering, “Wow, with this much rage flowing through your fingers, I bet you let them have it with an angry phone call or at least a passive aggressive email.” Nope. I didn’t complain at all. Website did not hear a peep out of me. Don’t think for one second that it was because I was okay with this. I was forced into silence because I have been pegged by Website as a “serial returner,” and I was afraid they wouldn’t take me seriously. They’d be all like, “What’s your hurry to get that charger, huh? You’re just going to return it in a week for a full refund anyway.”

I’m not fighting this scarlet label upon my breast. I deserve it. I order books from them, read them in a week, and return them to get a full refund. I’m poor—it’s what I do. They no longer allow me to return anything, and I still buy from them. I’m trying to change my ways. Therefore, I didn’t complain.

After 8 long days of waiting, you can imagine my excitement Wednesday afternoon when I came home to find my package waiting on my doorstep.

Except that excitement did not exist because my package wasn’t there.

I checked the status online, and there had been an “unexpected complication” along the way, namely when UPS transferred the package to the post office for delivery. Why the fuck would a package delivery company hand over a package to a government agency to deliver and what “unexpected complications” could have possibly arose from this exchange are entirely beyond me, but I didn’t get my charger until THURSDAY DECEMBER 11TH AND I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

Although, at the same time, I received another package with this little guy in it,

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which made things a little better. Somehow, my cousin currently on the other side of the country somehow knew that at this exact moment, a sloth was exactly what I needed.

So that is why I haven’t posted in a while. Also, as a forewarning, this post only skims the surface of my pent up rage from the past few weeks, so there may be many, many, many more angry rants to come.

That is all.

*Name of website withheld because, despite my explosive rage in this post, I still have complete, unwavering devotion to this site. I only ever order online from them (and Target.com because, let’s be real, Target is not a story but an addiction), and I will forever love them. They have been so good to me in the past, and I believe we can work through this rough patch. Also, I need them for my last-minute Christmas shopping this year.

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