I don’t have a strong sex drive. I never did really, even in my teenage years. It’s not that I’m against sex—not at all. It just isn’t important to me, and I don’t consider it one of my basic needs.
What I crave are emotions. I need someone to genuinely care about my well-being and connect with me on a deeper level than thoughts and words. I want someone to say something to me that starts with “I feel” and ends with something other than “hot so can we open that window?” I want those raw emotions that come out when people are drunk and sobbing on the floor or when they’re alone in their house where no one can hear them. I need something real—an “I love you” that’s not out of habit, a “how are you?” whose answer is actually coveted, a listening ear that’s really listening and not just thinking about how it is going to reply.
I didn’t realize how badly I craved this until I started having dreams about it recently. Sometimes they’re random people I know, and sometimes they’re complete strangers. They care about me, they understand me, and they don’t want to sleep with me. It’s the simplest of interactions, but it makes me feel so good. I get sad when I wake up and it’s gone. This pattern has happened enough times for me to know that it’s not a coincidence.
I don’t want romantic attraction. I want a light touch on my arm while we’re talking. I want warm, strong hugs, not kisses. I don’t want the kind of interaction that looks like compassion on the surface but is really just the result of people not wanting to be alone, wanting someone (anyone) to talk to, or needing someone to have plans with for the weekend. I don’t want it to be the expected kind of caring from family members, although that feels good sometimes, too. I just want the innocent, platonic, human compassion that isn’t centered on an end goal. I don’t want someone to make me feel good on the outside; I want them to get rid of this coldness that is inside of me. I want to know that someone somewhere is looking out for me, thinking about me, or just hoping for the best for the sole reason that they want me to have the best because that alone would make them happy.
This is what I need right now, and I believe it will be a step toward not feeling so empty all the time. Right now, I feel so disconnected from everyone, including my family, friends, and romantic partner. Everyone feels so cold and distant, and it might just be my own feelings perpetuating outward, but this is what makes me feel alone no matter who I have around me.