An Introvert’s Worst Nightmare

vegas

This week concluded my summer internship working at a nonprofit green innovation company. I’m happy to be done with it because I wasn’t a big fan of being stuck in an office on a computer 80% of the time. However, this means that it’s only a matter of days before I embark on quite possibly the most intimidating trip of my life as of yet.

On Sunday, I’m leaving on a 5-day trip to Las Vegas, Nevada. Some people may see this as an enjoyable opportunity and covetable experience. I don’t share these sentiments.

First of all, I have never been on a plane before. I grew up on the east coast, lived in the same exact house for 18 years, and then moved a shocking three hours away for college. The furthest west I have gone was Indiana, but that was on a bus for a band competition in high school, so it hardly counts.

It’s not the safety of the plane ride that worries me. It’s getting through the tight security. I’m worried that I’ll say something stupid and accidentally get pegged as a terrorist. I might pack something in my bag that isn’t allowed (like a regular-sized shampoo bottle), and they’ll seize all my belongings. I might leave my bag on the floor for two seconds while I run to the bathroom, only to get tackled by security while I’m trying to pee. Okay, I’m also a little worried that I might find some snakes on the plane and not be able to locate the nearest Samuel L. Jackson.

And then, once I get off the plane, the fears will only propagate. From what I gather, Vegas has alcohol, gambling, legal prostitution, and shows. The shows are expensive, so I’ll only be going to one. That’s one night covered. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with the other four. I don’t like loud areas, expensive things, or excessively drunk mean people. And I highly doubt sitting in my hotel reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas while drinking Grey Goose will cut it for getting the Vegas experience.

So I guess my problem is that the entire time I’m there, I’m going to be completely out of my depth without any safety net to fall back on. This is scary for me because, though I love to try new experiences, I don’t like trying all new experiences that include things that make me very uncomfortable. Vegas sounds like a great idea three months beforehand when it’s only a vague mirage in the distance, but now that it’s time to pack and leave for the airport, I’m thinking I should be settling my affairs, just in case.

If anyone has any advice or words of comfort, please share. And if you guys don’t hear from me after Friday, you may assume I’ve either been eaten alive or eloped with an Elvis impersonator and became a showgirl, and you may begin divvying up my things.

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but I’m probably going to post it all on here anyway, so you can look forward to that when I return on the 22nd.

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3 Responses to An Introvert’s Worst Nightmare

  1. Here are some handy TSA safety tips for flying the friendly skies:
    (1) Your checked baggage should have all the big stuff in it. Your carry-on should have some essential stuff, like reading materials, essential care products, cellphone, keys, etc. Try to have everything in your pockets in that bag when you get to the plastic bins (that’s the prep area for going through metal detectors and having them x-ray your bag and shoes). If you’re feeling adventurous, try to have the cover to a pornographic magazine or erotica novel facing up so the scanners will look embarrassed while checking your stuff.
    (2) Have a driver’s license or passport in your hand along with your ticket. The TSA should be checking this. Try not to giggle at their funny stares. They’re terribly self-conscious and they’re intimidated by the rest of humanity.
    (3) Try not to have too much metal stuff on, like jewelry, watches, or nunchuks. Metal detectors are filled with gnomes that are the sworn enemy of metal.
    (4) After you get through the checkpoint, get your shoes back on and keep your bag with you at all times. Yes, that includes when you have to use your kung-fu on the cyborg ninja assassins sent by the evil overlord to accost the innocent child sitting across from you. In the case of a urination emergency, resist the urge to start a singalong in the bathroom, but DO NOT FORGET YOUR BAG.
    (5) When you get to Vegas, try to remember that you are there to have fun. If your inhibitions get in the way of having fun, it is okay to drown them in the liquor of your choice. As their bodies float away in a vodka flavored river of happiness, wave goodbye to them and hello to your own personal reenactment of “The Hangover.”

    I do hope this helps on your amazing trip to a city I haven’t been to (yet).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Iris says:

      Wow these tips are extremely helpful, not only for the strong cautions regarding cyborg ninja assassins and bathroom sing-alongs, but for helping me see this experience in a positive light. Thanks for making me laugh in a way that doesn’t end with hyperventilating.

      I do plan on getting shamelessly inebriated, but I’m hoping it doesn’t turn into “The Hangover,” although it’d be so awesome to wake up with a pet tiger. (I think I just set a new goal for myself.)

      Like

      • I will neither confirm nor deny that I did number one on that list, and that I was prepared to be embarrassed about everything except the copy of “50 Shades of Grey” if they opened my carry-on bag.

        Like

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