I’m going through one of those phases where I don’t feel anything except anxiety or nothingness. The anxiety isn’t the productive kind that has fueled most of my productivity in grad school; it’s the kind where all I can do is sit there and hyperventilate. If I’m not doing that, I’m sitting, staring, and waiting for time to go by.
It’s nothing alarming. I get like this pretty regularly. The timing is unfortunate, though, because my parents are coming to visit me soon, and I was super excited about it all spring, but now I don’t care. Once they’re here, hopefully that will change, but it’s sad because they never visit me, so this is a very rare, special event.
It’s also unfortunate because yesterday I found out that I was selected for a very competitive, very prestigious fellowhip, and I felt absolutely no excitement about the news. I put together a 75-page application last December, working with two faculty advisors and at least 4 different administrators. Over the last several months, I’ve worked my way through the various stages of the funding cycle. It was a very drawn out, very intensive process with a lot of work involved. It was a long-shot because last time I applied, I received a very low score and didn’t make it past the first stage of the funding cycle. I had fantasized over and over again about finding out I won the award, and it would bring me to the verge of tears because I was so excited about it.
Now I feel nothing. I don’t care. I read the announcement multiple times, trying to force myself to feel something, and even receiving congratulatory texts and emails meant nothing to me.
It’s one thing to go through phases like this. It’s fine because I know at this point that they’re only phases and if I can just power through I’ll come out of it. It’s sad, though, when special things happen that normally would be so joyful, and the experiences are kind of ruined because I’m not feeling it.
I’m sure when my parents show up, I’ll be super excited to see them, but the anticipation and excitement leading up to it is nonexistent. This fellowship award is permanently on my C.V., so it’ll always be there, but the moment of realization is over and it was wasted.